Refreshed, MD

It’s my first day back seeing patients since returning from India. I’m the same doctor I was before. Although it’s been a couple of weeks, the words and assessments return easily. Let’s treat your daughter for a CF exacerbation with Bactrim and increased airway clearance… The phlegmy noise you hear in your baby is probably reflux… Let’s get a chest x-ray since your son’s cough has returned again. I am enjoying it. I like talking to families, hearing their concerns, problem solving together, reassuring them when possible. But I’m enjoying it even more than usual. India has changed me.

India follows me like a welcome glow of light, ever since I stepped off the plane. It resolidified my identity, taught me what’s important in life. I can’t shake it as I drive to work, on the right side of the road, barely anyone honking at me. India follows me as I discover there are no parking spots in the garage area that is usually safemarked to physicians. It follows me as I walk inside the Specialty Center building where my office is, and again when I walk into the clinic. Can’t others see it, this light? It’s now blaring, asking to be noticed.

But many colleagues don’t seem to notice, but a few. My supervisor asks me if the food was good. “YES,” I say, “it was amazing.” Ok, decent start.

First I run into Joanna. She knows I went and asks. I burst into details about the food, the better roads, the family. She smiles, she understands, being of Malayan heritage. She is so happy for me that I went.

I spot Maina in the distance - she is one of the scribes, and also of Indian heritage, and she travels often to India. I know she’s read my blog. I completely explode all my lava. My family! Bangalore! The temples! The cows in the street! India gets vegetarians! Farm to table isn’t a thing in India because it’s the norm! Jeevan has an Indian head nod! Darshan said ‘Ok, Saar’ to Venka when asked to put on his socks!! She tells me that she is going to India soon. Go as much as you can before residency, before you become a faculty member and can only go for two weeks, which is not nearly enough time.

Then it happens. The moment I’ve really been waiting for. I extract my car from the executive parking spot I illegally parked in this morning. I eat my lunch of chole and Indian fried rice. I put on some makeup for a photo shoot arranged by the hospital for an upcoming article for which I was interviewed. Julianna, the psychologist I work with, notices me, says I look great. “Yeah, makeup does wonders,” I say.

“You looked good this morning without makeup,” she says.

“I felt great. I had a blast seeing patients.”

“You looked refreshed,” she says. And there it is. The compliment I didn’t know I was waiting for that I needed. A little part of me knows it could be about any vacation for which I was away from work for over two weeks, but deep down, I know that India has refreshed me in a way I could not have possibly imagined, and to an extent I didn’t anticipate. Refreshed soul, identity, purpose, maternal fulfillment, family bonding, spiritual rediscovery.

I want to feel this way forever. It likely will not last. It will not last. Time fades memory, and right now the memories are so vivid, like the bright yellow street corn (that we thankfully didn’t get sick from). I will have to make a conscious decision to recollect how I feel. This will start, as I’ve written before, more frequent phone calls with my family. When I ask the kids what they miss most about India, they both say without hesitation, family. Family is what made the trip, and despite some nuances, I discovered that my large family share many of the same values I uphold dearly.

It’s time for the photo shoot. The cameraman asks me to don my white coat, and the coordinator asks me to drape my stethoscope around my neck. “We’ll get some natural shots of you doing work at the computer.” He asks me to study the computer screen. We then take pictures of me using a poster of the lungs as as teaching aid. And finally, me holding a couple of pieces of paper, reviewing them as I walk down the hall. I give a slight smile. “Perfect smile,” he says. Perfect, indeed.

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Selfie in front of beautiful murals at a cute coffee shop in Vrindavan

Me in front of a portrait of a woman freedom fighter on display at a museum in Hyderabad

Selfie at Ramanjaneya temple in Bangalore. I used to love this temple as a kid. My kum kum on my forehead is gloriously messy. It resembles a tiny snail… I love this set of earrings I’m wearing, but lost one of them in Bangalore :(